It Can be Hard Keeping a Straight Face as a COURT REPORTER

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and
are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm
while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________


ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at
all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something
you forgot?
___________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in
his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
(My Favorite)
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August
8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
(Another favorite)
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed
on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them... The live ones put up too much of a
fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did
you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________


And last:
(Well OK, this is the best)
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive
and practicing law.


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Kat-Alex ni'Loughlin

kaiamorrigan-716222

It Can be Hard Keeping a Straight Face as a COURT REPORTER

It is astounding that someof the attorneys passed the bar! Some of them appear to be ill prepared & have not spent the time to properly put together a cohesive set of questionsor be very quick on their feet. I know...I had a lawyer that I should have fired & replaced on what should have been an easily won case. He had notes on papers everywhere, seemingly random; did not have his equipment for the Power Point or video evidence (from the defendent) & was redundant in his arguments to the point where jurors were rolling their eyes! I often wrote down & passed to him what I believed were points her should have been making,so obvious. I do have some Paralegal training, but even without that, it was obvious that a case that took 4 yrs to go to trial, was lost because of bad representation. Of course, some of these are hilarious on the side of the witnesses as well. I will agree with Sir Richard that one of his favorites is funny & bodes poorly for the attorney: ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. What? Yes, how do court reporters keep a straight face?

0 comments

James Mcbreaty

jamesmcbrearty

It Can be Hard Keeping a Straight Face as a COURT REPORTER

Thanks for sharing Nic, I'm another person who found the link the same way.

0 comments

Nic Oliver

nicoliver

It Can be Hard Keeping a Straight Face as a COURT REPORTER

Wow - It goes to show you never know how far the reach of a blog extends! Thanks you James for finding the link. Have a great week, Nic

0 comments

James Coakes

jamescoakes-61537

It Can be Hard Keeping a Straight Face as a COURT REPORTER

Richard Branson likes it too. It's worth noting that diverse content can sometimes get the attention of exactly the sort of people you want it to.

1 comments

Irene Neale

ireneneale-426635

It Can be Hard Keeping a Straight Face as a COURT REPORTER

These are kinds of jury cases I would want to picked as a jury member, I know I wouldn't last long though...oh my!!!

0 comments

Georgina Lester

georginalester

It Can be Hard Keeping a Straight Face as a COURT REPORTER

Excellent! thank you for sharing that - perfect for a tea break!

1 comments