Phew, I learned a lifetime lesson last night.
For those who don't know me I live in constant pain: cramps, compression on the legs, mysterious aches... it's horrible but one learns to cope with it, using drugs, breathing exercises and, erm, sheer courage.
The cause is a severe deterioration of the nervous system in the lower part of my body, originally caused by radiotherapy in massive doses to treat a dangerous cancer in 1967. The second dose in 1971, for the lungs, is what causes my breathing problems but that doesn't hurt much. It's just inconvenient to feel like you're drowning.
But last night, boy, have you ever been hit in the privates by a cricket ball? Have you ever been fairly badly scalded or burned? Have you ever been stung by a bee on the eyelid? Have you ever had a 240v electric shock throw you across the room? This pain was everywhere and because it wasn't a real pain caused by something somewhere but a nerve pain coming out of nowhere it filled the whole world, my entire body, my whole existence. It lasted about 90 minutes.
At the start I thought it would go away quickly as these things often do, but it got worse and worse and worse. I was moaning, crying, gasping for breath and eventually screaming. I took all the Tramadol that I dared take and all the special heavy drug I have for nerve pain. and then three paracetamol on top.
Cora was brilliant; she got me breathing; she did all kinds of things to distract me while the drugs slowly began to cut in. And eventually, one and a half hours later it became tolerable and I was able to sleep. I feel dreamy today.
What I learned form all this is that my everyday pain which I would once have described as agony is , in fact, nothing. I now know what torture feels like, I think. Perhaps I have a hint of what the last hours and minutes of childbirth might be like, I don't know. In any case I'm kind of glad it happened, though afraid it might come again.
Because now I know that I can take more than what was oppressing me and I can laugh off my everyday suffering. This is a huge bonus. I was ever so cheerful when my neighbour asked me how I was and I told him straight for once. The neighbours sometimes hear me crying out in the calm of a Cornish night, you see. I want to reassure them.
Big experience kicks smaller experience into the void... seems to be what I learned last night. Better take some more Tramadol, though, just to be safe.
And some people, people I saw in hospital, go through even more than that. And some people, I know a woman with spinal problems, are in agony every single moment no matter what they do. I'm grateful that my suffering is reasonably under control and any time I get when I'm not in pain I sometimes find myself laughing for no reason at all, just because life is so easy.
I'm not sure how this will help anyone with their business problems but if money worries was all I had going against me I'd be in heaven, really.
p.s. no herbal cure recommendation, please; this is so far beyond what trivial solutions might reach and offering me lame advice would just make me angry.
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